Do you see, really see?

This is an excerpt that I found in my journal from India last year, I just wrote a lot during the last 3 hours of the plane ride.

So...it's not just about these two weeks and what happened...it's my relationship with God that is the story. I hear that it's about relationship...with GOD and the rest will come. ... I know more deeply how I can impact others. When I got to Carmel I met Santhosh...he was afraid or something but definitely wasn't into having a relationship wit me. Then within days we did have a relationship. Then I was struck on the last day just how much we meant to him. He sat in his kindergarten room and sobbed for knowing our relationship was going to change. It wouldn't be as tangible.

Then, I go as this rich woman to gawk at the people laboring in other's laundry filth. As I'm surrounded by women, men and children begging us to buy their junk. And other children, even more filthy and desperate signing that they want me to give them food. I just stare off into nothing. Then as a group we file back to our luxury bus, I stare past everything, past a child asking for food. As I step on the bus, I am overwhelmed by how GOD must feel for her. And in hindsight I think GOD was also sad for me. What could I do? I sobbed forever.

Then two more stops in the meanwhile desperately trying to see God in this, my call in this. We walk to the museum we are privileged to enter; again approached by people asking for help. Now read that sentence with feeling...PEOPLE....ASKING ....HELP. There's a young woman holding an infant, I hand her a bag of almonds that I had for me to snack on when I'm "hungry". Not out of noble action, not out of pity. But it's all I could muster up to do, all I could think of. A small way to say, I do see you standing there. You are someone. I walk away and pray not really knowing what my prayer is but just asking God to connect with her...with me.

It's not even about disputing politics or social-economics or ploys or strategies of the poor to scam or how to pity but just a recognition of the brokenness and admitting I AM SO broken. Seeing that God weeps over our decisions and our hurts for us and loves us just the same. It doesn't make sense but we profess God is beyond us, so why do we keep searching for sense instead of God?